One of my best friends in the entire world is also one of the most accomplished females I have ever met. She constantly meets, exceeds and astounds her expectations, and blazes a trail through her personal life and career. She is beyond exceptional, and yet last month she became a shrinking violet when a careless remark was tossed her way. Someone in her field of work, (who could be considered competition if one chooses to look at it that way) made an off the cuff statement to my pal that hit a nerve. It is my belief that this comment was illegitimate, and uncalled for. Weeks later this comment is still sitting with my friend in the back of her mind. With many career choices she makes, that comment lingers and in turn throws her off her game.

I recently talked to my lady and asked her point blank why this woman’s careless sentence has caused such insecurities. She copped to the fact that she felt slightly imprisoned by it and did not know why a mere stranger could affect her like this. In almost all cases these comments are made in passing without any validity, yet we feel that they are instantly correct. They unmask hidden beliefs that we might have, doubts about ourselves, and make us question ideas and concepts we wouldn’t otherwise. We tend to be our own worst critics, and any negative review is instantly a dig at who we are as a person- regardless of whether or not the remark(s) are warranted.

In a room full of one hundred people, if nine hundred and ninety-nine of those folk buttered us up with admiration and kindness, and the last straggler made a snide remark or gesture, we would harp on that alone. It doesn’t matter that the majority sang your praise; the negative comment wins.  We could debate why, and harp on the effects of character assassination, but it would be an utter waste of time.

The irony is that the person responsible for making the comment is not the person responsible for accepting the comment. People can say whatever they please about us, but it is our choice on how to perceive it, and in turn, respond. In my 23 years sitting pretty in this world I have had a lot of people say things that have shocked me to the core. I have had people assume I embody character traits that I do not. I have had people judge me. I have heard people state things point blank that have made me question my virtues. It can hurt, but only if you allow it to effect you. At the end of the day the only person you have to report back to is yourself. Sure, nobody is perfect and we all have things we could work on, however the job of figuring that out belongs to you and you alone.

One of my favourite quotes is actually the title of a book called “What Other People Think of Me Is None of My Business” by Terry Cole-Whittaker. Because really, those who speak ill of us are just displaying their insecurities masked as bravado and that it would be ridiculous to look further into it. Someone else has no right to alter my own self perception. The kicker is that ultimately it is our choice on how we respond. We can take criticism negativity and let it spin us so out of control; or we can literally laugh it off and realize that they are so ill informed it borders on absurd. Instead of being angry, we can look at criticism a few ways. The pessimists will stew and continue the negativity with a cruel comeback. The enlightened ones will take criticism as a chance to ‘review themselves’ and if necessary, adjust a bit. The gurus would call this a gift and silently wish our naysayers well. Perhaps the next time somebody says something slanderous ask yourself this:  Where do you fit in, and how will you react?

Photo Credit © Anton Gvozdikov | Dreamstime.com

Tags: doubts, fear, feelings, insecure, perception, Self-awareness