I’m not always the best verbal communicator, but many people feel comfortable conversing with me.  Years ago I realized that my bold Aries personality and my New York upbringing were not always viewed as a positive attribute when it came to well, interpersonal skills.  So, I solicited help from communications books, and training.  I attended the $100 day seminar for resolving conflict and how to communicate with your co-workers and employees and with each session I became more confused and yet a bit more adept too.  I had numerous good role models and mentors, but the one that had the biggest influence was Deborah Tannen, PhD, Professor of Linguistics at Georgetown University  Tannen wrote the book, You Just Don’t Understand. Tannen,  a linguist, author, professor, focused her second book on the subject of how men and women communicate.  And since I had two older brothers and was at that time working exclusively with men (except the support staff), I thought this book would be interesting.

I scan my bookshelves and the yellowed paperback is still there – next to another one of her books, (her first, I think), That’s Not What I Meant. I open a page to something that I now understand (but when I read the book, I didn’t), the difference between men and women asking for help.  I’m sure this triggers thoughts and real life examples of this up to and including, getting directions.  Take a moment to think about status, knowledge and skills and connections and helping; now think about men and women and which gender connects with these adjectives.  The point is not to pass judgment of right or wrong, simply observe traits that we have learned and observed, and made our own.  Further, when men and women do not act according to their gender, it throws a real curve ball to us – I don’t mean in big ways, I mean in subtle ways.  Ok, here’s an example, when you observe when listening, they often nod their heads and occasionally say, yes, or ok, uh huh; men, not so much.  So with that one example could men misinterpret a women who is listening as a woman who is agreeing with him?  Could a women be offended that a man is listening because he is not giving her acknowledgment cues?  Absolutely.  Enough comments to illustrate my interests and background and to let you know that I still recommend the books, although some of the examples used are outdated.

Sociologically speaking, I suspect some of her research has changed over the decades, yet so much of it is still, well, appropriate…up to a point.  For example, tone of voice and body language USED to be more important than words themselves (it’s backed up by research.)  BUT where does looking down at the phone while emailing come into play?  OR, my friend who is listening intently to a problem I have until her phone rings and she says, she has to get it. Why was the call from the poodle parlor more important than me…and doesn’t she have voice mail on this phone.  Could this really be a dog emergency?

In the new decade, I hope we all find a balance between the efficiency of mobile electronic interaction – phone, email,internet – and real personal interaction.  I realize I’ve been trying to stay current because technology changes so quickly.  I really like my phones and computers.  Yet, I realized that my behavior was trying to keep up too – working while on vacation, talking on the phone in public places, and answering email when I was with friends.  How often was I missing a current experience or existing friendship because of my Blackberry?  So, I’m going back to the books to re-learn personal interaction skills.  I’m reminded of the saying in the 1970′s, “Be Here Now” and think I’m going to try this more often in the new decade.  I’m going to start by discovering the color of my friends eyes.

Photo Credit© Ron Chapple Studios | Dreamstime.com

Tags: cell phones, communication, computers