I have debated on what it was I wanted to change and accomplish as we start this new year. Looking back on it, 2009 really hasn’t been that different from any of the previous years. Except one small detail. I have made up my mind that this is the year that I start taking care of myself more and worry less about having someone in my life that I need to be taking care of…in whatever capacity that may be.
This actually popped into my head while reading one of my favorite authors. James Patterson typically writes the intense, fast moving serial killer mystery books that are just long enough to hold my attention on a slow evening or weekend where I don’t have too many pressing obligations to take care of. Of course, I have read all of his current books, so while out doing my Christmas shopping (which I vow this year to NOT over do as I do every year for the special people in my life) I picked up a book of his that is little different than his norm. Breakfast at Tiffany’s (Little Brown & Co., 2008) is not his usual thriller. It is the story of a young child who spends her life more with her imaginary friend than with her highly successful Broadway producer mother. At the age of nine, her friend Michael must leave her. That is the rule. I won’t spoil the rest of the book, but I do highly recommend it. Michael makes a statement shortly after having to leave the young girl for good about his life’s purpose is that of a care giver. He knows he is the person who always takes care of others, makes sure their needs are met and that he forgoes his wants and needs so that his charges have what they desire.
This made me think a bit. His J-O-B is to take care of others. Not too far from what my job as a teacher encompasses. It is much deeper than that (I am sure where this is the part where the therapist would start picking me apart!) from my personal perspective. I have always been the person who has strove to take care of people and animals. Heck, I have even paid for a dead, droopy African violet in the hopes to nurse it back to health. I am not complaining. I love doing these things and seeing those that I can help thrive. I have brought home every stray animal I find, ever since I was old enough to wander off around my childhood home on my own. Ask my mother about the wild baby rabbits I brought home one afternoon. Sad to say…they died within a few short days. Turns out they needed their mother and not just a bottle of formula and a teenage girl.
I get these traits from both of my parents. They are nurturers to a fault. After reading Sunday at Tiffany’s I began asking myself what is it about me that makes me most happy when I can help others? I don’t think this is a bad trait to have (and I am by no means looking for confirmation in my ability to be a “good person”) I just think that I need to have the realization that at some point there needs to be a fine line drawn where I stop looking for the ways to make someone else happy by what I do for them and start looking for the little ways I can make myself happy. If the other people around me want to join in and be happy with me…GREAT! I need to learn that I cannot make someone else happy, or that by making them happy I will also be happy. It doesn’t matter what I do for them, with them or myself. If someone doesn’t want to be happy, the best I can do is try to put a smile on their face and brighten up their day just a bit. I would hope that at the end of the day, I have left a little brighter footprint on those that I meet and interact with than not.
I must start worrying about making me happy though! I am the only one who can make me happy. I will not find this happiness in the lives of anyone else. I think for too long I have known that I truly want to be a part of “something” where both people are happy. I do thrive in this sort of situation, but isn’t that what this “type” of situation is supposed to be like? For too long I have found myself in situations where I begin to try to do more and more for someone else in an attempt to make them happier, make their life easier and as a result I am the one who tends to become more and more sad. Disheartened in a way, not necessarily sad about me in any particular way, but maybe sad because of a sense of failure on my part? Maybe this is because my efforts are in vain?
Feel free to correct me if I am wrong on any of this! I totally do not mind guidance. In fact, I will take all the guidance I can get, for I seem t be on a hamster wheel and it hasn’t gone anywhere new for the first forty years! I do believe I have hit my head on that proverbial brick wall for the last time! I hope anyway, but then again, is it exactly these traits that make me the person that I am? Am I just like Michael in the sense that my J-O-B on this planet is to care for others? Are there those of us that our reason for being here is to act as nurturers? That may very well be the case, but I HAVE to find that fine line between nurturer and self and not cross it. I don’t think my sanity can take much more banging my head against the wall. That and it is leaving the most unattractive nasty bruise!
I do hope that everyone has a very blessed new year and that 2010 allows everyone to come at least one step closer to the realization of their personal dreams and aspirations. Oh, and by the way, that African violet? It is alive and well, thriving on my kitchen window sill. So, I at least accomplished making that one plant a little happier.
Best wishes for a fabulous new year!
Theresa Jones
Posted by: Eugenia Dansinghani on January 11, 2010 at 10:46 am
Dear Theresa,
First of all I think it is very admirable about you that you have recognized and want to make a change in your life to love yourself more and put yourself first, for YOU!! I can truly understand how bringing happiness into others lives brings happiness into yours. It sounds like you have brought much comfort and joy to many souls in this world, again a very beautiful piece of who you are.
But now is the time to put the most important person in your life first, yourself! As with any change it usually takes time, patience and some effort with working on and changing your thoughts. Despite how we cannot change our feelings we can change our thoughts, which amazingly in return changes our feelings. Through this wonderful journey of taking care of yourself FIRST it might help if you tell yourself that your “inner child” needs to be loved and taken care of before anyone or anything else. Your inner child is that little voice and child within you that needs you to take care of her first. Our inner child’s often to not get recognized or listened to, for many of us we do not know that they are there inside ourselves, waiting patiently to be understood and heard. For they greatly want and need to be so they can feel loved and taken care of! The great thing about taking care and listening to our inner child is that ultimately you are listening to and loving your core self. Some may not know or have learned yet that we all have these beautiful sensitive inner child’s within us and all they want is for us to try and listen to what their needs and wants are to help them feel that they are being put first, that they are the most important person in your life, and by them being taken care of first you are ultimately loving and taking care of yourself. When this is accomplished we can then nurture and take care of others without feeling like we are putting ourselves second, feeling burnt-out or in cases feeling resentful. Many of our inner child’s have experienced some kind of pain in their lifetime. They may have undergone great hurt, sadness or may have unfortunatly experienced abuse or neglect in some way by others and now look to you “their mother” to help them feel loved, listened to, understood, nurtured and valued!
Try sitting in a quiet spot and try listening to what your inner child is saying to you or asking from you. You may choose to place your hand on your heart and let your inner child know that you are now listening to her and will be there for her as she shares her thoughts and feelings. This will help you to discover what it is that you and your inner child are longing for. And in the end this will be your way of accomplishing feeling that you are taking care of and loving yourself first.
I hope that you will find this helpful on your courages journey of putting yourself first, which in return, will help you greatly with your passion of helping others.
Posted by: Stacy on January 25, 2010 at 10:31 am
I think we all have a sense of compassion to help others. You are not alone! And yes, we get discouraged when year after year, it’s the same result. But your love and help means something to that one person that you gave your attention to. They will remember it forever-even when they cannot express it.
Posted by: Theresa Jones on February 7, 2010 at 9:25 pm
Thank you both for the amazing words of encouragement! I pray that I never lose my sense of wonder, love for others and my ability to see the good in every situation. But you are RIGHT! Until I learn to love myself (which I truly DON’T – long story!) I will never be able (hard as I try) love anyone else to the capacity that I want to! I know that I have a great heart and a lot of love to give, but somehow it keeps getting abused…and misused! I know that I need to get back to loving ME and that it is ok and not a BAD thing to love myself first! I know that the person I am meant to be with will also love themselves (yet not at the expense of others) in much the same compassionate way that a caring, nurturing and loving person will do!