If you live with a teen you’ve probably wished, at some point, that they came with a good set of instructions and warning labels. Or, you may have even wondered why no one ever told you that it would be this hard. If they had you might not have contemplated having children at all. Instead, as a parent, you must muddle through their teen years as your remember what you were like at this point in time. This can be detrimental due to our selective memories and lack of understanding that things were much different way back when.

Your goal as a parent is to build, or maintain, a relationship with your child and so you must learn their language and step into their adolescent environment.  I’ve compiled what I think are the most important things to master in this relationship as a top ten list.

1. They are growing physically, emotionally, socially and spiritually – This looks different for each person, give them room to grow and encourage them emotionally. Guide them socially and allow them to entertain ideas about spirituality (what is my role here, who made all of this, does anyone really care, etc.).
2. They want responsibility – Believe it or not, they want boundaries and the responsibility to act within them.
3. They want your trust – If you give them something to do then trust that they will do it, and do it well.
4. Give them room to fail – Through failure they learn. Encourage them to keep on going.
5. Don’t plan their successes – Let them be responsible for these and step back. As parents, it is hard to let the chicks fly, but it must be done. The self-esteem movement did some harm in this area.
6. Let them take risks – The trust factor enters in here as well. Let them try things for themselves. Risk taking generates passions and direction in life. You, as a parent, have a keen sense into what your child is able to handle in the way of risks. Don’t feel that you have to go with the flow and what other families are letting their children do at this moment in time.
7. They do like to have your input – Believe it or not, your voice is important in their lives. Speak often and don’t give up.
8. They need and desire adults in their lives – Parents, relatives, parents of friends, teachers, administrators, youth leaders; anyone that actually cares about them and plays an active role in their life.
9. They are excited about life – Their world is beginning to open up as they learn and experience new things. Don’t squelch this excitement by warnings of your past experiences.
10. They are beginning to formulate their dreams – With risk taking, responsibility, and trust they begin to see their strengths and weaknesses and ideas for their role in the world. This is the beginning of dream formation. Encourage it as much and as often as you can.

If you focus on understanding these ten things you’ll see your focus widen on your child’s world, their desires, hurts and dreams.  This time in life  is a growing process for your teen as well as for you. Don’t let it pass you by.

Leslie is an education and youth specialist with over 20 years of teaching and youth mentoring experience. She has her Masters in Education and is currently the Dean of Students at a Denver Metro area college preparatory high school. Leslie has written for The Center for Parent and Youth Understanding, as well as for a variety of youth oriented periodicals. Besides writing and speaking on youth culture she has  raised three teens of her own.

Tags: adolescence, children, emotion, family, growth, relationship, responsibility, teen, top ten