And a Happily Ever After Relationship!

By Margaret Cochran Ph.D. Author of ‘What Are You Afraid Of?’ available at drcochran.com and lulu.com

One of the questions or complaints I hear most often is some version of the following: “I have lost the ‘zip in my doo dah’ with regard to my sex life, help?!”

Or

“My love life sucks like a bucket of tics. I’m just not interested anymore. What can I do?”

Well, there are a number of reasons why both men and women lose interest in sex. Some of them are physical like undiagnosed diabetes or a thyroid or pituitary problem. It can also be a mental illness, like clinical depression, anxiety disorder and/or a personality disorder.

After eliminating a disease state as the root of sexual disharmony, the next place to look for the source of the problem is within the relationship itself, and the communication patterns, or lack thereof, that you’ve developed over time.

Now there are many who will try to persuade you that ‘sexy’ is determined by things outside of yourself and your relationship. Specifically, things that you can buy.

For example, despite the ardent assertions of the advertising executives on Madison Avenue ‘sexy’ is not defined by your hair care products or the kind of vehicle you drive.

Still others will attempt to convince you that ‘sexy’ is achieved through the use of gadgets using pitches like:

“Has your sex life taken a wrong turn? What you need is our special, patented ‘Coital Positioning System’. It’s only nineteenninetynineninetyfive in this special TV offer.”

Or

“Bored with your foreplay? No worries, what you need are toys, toys, toys! Our ‘Special Vibrator’ is as big as a bus and twice as fast, with attachments. It comes with its own solar powered nightlight! And if you order one in the next five minutes you get a special pink plastic thing to put it in. A fifty dollar value for only fourteenninetynineninetyfive!”

“OK”, you rejoinder, “so it’s not about the car I drive or my sex toys. But surely ‘sexy’ is about my body. You know, my breast size or my hip to waist ratio?”

Actually no, you can have the smallest breasts or the biggest hips and still be the sexiest woman ever.

“What?!” “So it must be about how I act then? Is ‘sexy’ about how I think of myself and do I need to pout my lips and wiggle my bottom and all that?”

If you think of yourself as attractive it can help you to feel attractive, but no matter what part of you, you pout or wiggle it won’t inspire you to want to make love to your partner.

“OK Dr. Cochran, everything I know is wrong. ‘Sexy’ isn’t possessions, it isn’t gadgets and it isn’t how I look. What is ‘sexy’ then?”

What really makes sex hot, and romantic relationships long lasting, is a very simple formula which is as follows:

Men need to practice ‘Skillful Deference’

And

Women need to practice ‘Pointed Praise’.

Now, when I explain this, there is usually a lot of expressed disbelief. In fact, what I most often hear is, “It can’t be that simple!”

Well, in fact it is that simple! The tricky part is not the concept itself; it’s all about the execution.

To be continued…

2 Sure Fire Techniques for Smokin’ Hot Sex Part II

Dr. Margaret Cochran has been an educator and professional therapist for more than 28 years. With graduate degrees in Education, Social Work and Transpersonal Psychology she has worked with a wide variety of clients, both individual and organizational.

Dr. Cochran is the host of the internet radio show, ‘Wisdom, Love and Magic!’, which is number one on iTunes for mental health programming. She is also the author of ‘Sylvia and the Magic Power Sticks’ a fairy tale about how shame is often an integral part of everyday life.

For more information please visit www.drcochran.com

Photo Credit © Yuri Arcurs | Dreamstime.com