And a Happily Ever After Relationship
By Margaret Cochran Ph.D. Author of ‘What Are You Afraid Of?’ available at drcochran.com and lulu.com
We’ve been discussing scientifically proven methods for making your relationship last for ‘happily ever after’ and for making your sex life hot and steamy.
First it’s important to eliminate any physical causes for lack of desire like a hormone imbalance, mental illness and/or an undiagnosed thyroid or pituitary problem. These are issues for your psychological and physical health care providers to address.
Next, we eliminate the commercial answers that advertisers tout. They assert that ‘sexy’ is about what you wear, your grooming products or your shoes. It isn’t! Sorry, Madison Avenue!
Although I’m not suggesting that you stray outside of healthy boundaries ‘sexy’ also isn’t so much about body size or type either. Sorry, infomercials!
What ‘sexy’ is about is:
A man’s ability to practice ‘Skillful Deference’
And
A woman’s ability to practice ‘Pointed Praise’
Now for the how to.
Emotionally healthy women by virtue of their estrogen compliment and considerable social conditioning, begin to defer to others from almost the moment they exit the womb. They are constantly asking questions and checking on people’s needs:
“Did you get enough to eat?”
“Are you warm enough?”
“Do you need help with your homework?”
Ad infinitum.
Emotionally healthy men are by virtue of their testosterone complement and their socialization, (which means women are deferring to them all the time) are seldom if ever asked, or taught, to defer themselves. They ask different questions:
“Honey, where are my running shoes?”
“Darling, did you pick up my dry cleaning?”
“Would you make me a sandwich?”
Ad nauseum
Nothing ‘sexy’ here!
To further complicate things women are, I am sad to say, not entirely ‘given permission’ in our culture to directly ask for what they want. In fact, they are still often sold the entirely erroneous ‘bill of goods’ that if their partners love them they will ‘know’ what they want.
To have great sex and long lasting romantic relationships first women have to be able to discern sense from nonsense and behave accordingly. And the aforementioned information is one example of nonsense!
So now what?
Well, emotionally healthy men want to be heroes for the women they love; it’s absolutely primordial. They want to provide for the emotional and physical needs of their beloved and be lavishly showered with attention and praise for their trouble.
Now lots of women, when they hear this, get angry and say something like:
“No one praises me when I’m busy doing everything for everybody. Why should I praise him?!”
This may not be fun to hear, but in order to change things you have to know the truth. If no one is thanking you or otherwise recognizing your efforts, it is because you have inadvertently trained your spouse and family not to do so. Remember, there are no victims, just volunteers. It’s time to fix that! And teaching your husband or partner to do so will also be teaching him one form of… Yes, you got it in one, ‘Skillful Deference’. See how clever you are?!
OK, here’s ‘Skillful Deference’ 1-2-3.
‘Skillful Deference’ is a man’s ability to listen to and understand what his particular partner wants, and to give it to her. Sounds simple, yes? It is actually, and it’s the skillful part that’s key.
For example, in one phase of life, ‘Skillful Deference’ from your lover might be, roses, champagne and a dinner in a romantic restaurant. And at another time it might be, making dinner, washing a load or two of laundry and packing school lunches.
So, what would ‘Skillful Deference’ from your lover or husband look like right now? Close your eyes and think about receiving it…
M-m-m nice. Yes?!
You see, what a nurturer, that’s you by the way, needs and craves most is for someone to give them some nurturing and to do it in a way that has meaning for them in the moment. It’s ‘sexy’, ‘sexy’, ‘sexy’ stuff!
So when men ‘Skillfully Defer’ and you praise them they are totally ‘turned on’ and motivated to do lots, lots more. Suddenly, a ‘honeydo’ list takes on a whole new meaning.
Women, as a rule, need to feel all ‘warm and fuzzy’ (or be ovulating) to be erotic. And men want to be erotic (as they are in a perpetual state of arousal it seems) in order to get to those ‘warm and fuzzy’ feelings.
It’s ‘God’s Little Joke’, some call it, that men and women want the same things but approach them from such seemingly polar perspectives.
Given that, using ‘Skillful Deference’ and ‘Pointed Praise’ are the clever and winning punch line to that celestial attempt at humor because you get the last laugh and much, much more!
‘Vive l‘amor’.
2 Sure Fire Techniques for Smokin’ Hot Sex-Part 1
Dr. Margaret Cochran has been an educator and professional therapist for more than 28 years. With graduate degrees in Education, Social Work and Transpersonal Psychology she has worked with a wide variety of clients, both individual and organizational.
Dr. Cochran is the host of the internet radio show, ‘Wisdom, Love and Magic!’, which is number one on iTunes for mental health programming. She is also the author of ‘Sylvia and the Magic Power Sticks’ a fairy tale about how shame is often an integral part of everyday life. For more information please visit www.drcochran.com
Photo Credit © Olga Bogatyrenko | Dreamstime.com
