My aunt recently went through breast cancer. Her mother died from it. My mother’s mother had it, and both of her sisters. From the naked eye, they appeared to be healthy; they were relatively active and thin. But, upon closer inspection, they had one thing in common that could use improvement: their diets. Sodas, cakes, processed foods, southern cooking… it got me thinking about how diet and disease are truly correlated, and how sugar can often be a breeding ground for disease.

According to 74 years of research (as noted in The China Study), poor diet and cancer are related. The ... Read More »]]>

My aunt recently went through breast cancer. Her mother died from it. My mother’s mother had it, and both of her sisters. From the naked eye, they appeared to be healthy; they were relatively active and thin. But, upon closer inspection, they had one thing in common that could use improvement: their diets. Sodas, cakes, processed foods, southern cooking… it got me thinking about how diet and disease are truly correlated, and how sugar can often be a breeding ground for disease.

According to 74 years of research (as noted in The China Study), poor diet and cancer are related. The choices we make on a daily basis can enhance or detract from our lives. Along with not smoking and increasing exercise, here are a list of foods you should try and incorporate into your diet each and every day. Health starts with diet. It’s not always about what you look like or the number on the scale: it’s about paying attention to your internal health, so you can reap the benefits later in life.

1. Whole Grain Foods: Bulgur, Quinoa, Millet, Amaranth, Steel-Cut Oats, Brown Rice

Swap processed, white flour foods for the darker variety. Read every single label and only buy whole grain products. These grains have more fiber, which might help lower the amounts of estrogen in the body.

2. Beans: Black, Garbanzo, Lentils

Beans contain fiber, protein and good, complex carbs. They help provide energy, a dose of iron and have zero cholesterol. They can be tossed into soups, salads, and made into rich, creamy spreads (such as hummus) for veggies. Buy them dry, or if short on time, always rinse canned beans in cold water to remove the salt.

3. Nuts and Seeds: Walnuts, Cashews, Almonds, Pumpkin, Sunflower, Hemp, Flax

Always purchase raw, unsalted nuts and seeds and throw a handful into your diet for a healthy dose of fats and minerals. Incorporating healthy fats such as nuts, hemp, avocado and certain oils can help protect joints, provide energizing fuel, supplement skin and deliver fat-soluble vitamins.

4. Fruits and Vegetables: Aim for 9 servings every single day from the following categories:

Cruciferous veggies: broccoli, cauliflower, brussel sprouts, cabbage

Lycopene-rich produce: tomatoes, red grapefruit, watermelon, guava

Beta-carotene-rich produce: winter squash, carrots, sweet potatoes

Citrus: oranges, grapefruit, lemons

Berries: strawberries, raspberries, blackberries, blueberries

Dark, leafy greens: spinach, romaine, kale, collards, swiss chard

Peppers: chili, jalapenos (contain capsaicin, which may neutralize certain cancer-causing substances)

Fruits and veggies are packed with cancer-fighting phytochemicals. While, typically, people aim for 5 a day, aiming for 9 will not only keep you full and eliminating properly, but will double the antioxidants, fiber and phytochemicals in your body. Plants are miraculous – they literally ward off “enemies” within the body and repair damage all day long. Make sure you buy organic produce to avoid ingesting unnecessary pesticides.

5. Soy: Tofu, Soy Milk, Soybeans

While there has been a bit of debate about soy, it is rich in many anticarcinogenic compounds, such as isoflavones which can fight certain types of cancers. Incorporating a bit of soy milk, edamame or tofu into your dishes can add a boost to your health. In Japan, soy is a giant staple, and their reports of breast cancer happen to be much lower, thanks to a diet full of mostly vegetarian options.

6. Fatty Fish: Salmon, Mackerel, Sardines

Full of good fats and protein, fatty fish should be consumed two to three times per week. These fish are low in saturated fat and also decrease triglyceride levels, slow the growth rate of atheroscierotic plaque and can help lower blood pressure. Vegan? Opt for hemp and flax, two amazing super foods on their own.

7. Cancer Fighting Herbs and Spices: Garlic, Turmeric, Rosemary

Spices and herbs not only add flavor to dishes with no extra calories, but they are chock full of phytochemicals and detoxifying agents which can help fight disease. Start reducing butters and bad oils and using spices to enhance flavors.

8. Flaxseed: 1 to 2 tablespoons

Flax contains lignans, which may provide an antioxidant effect and block cancerous changes. Flax is also high in omega-3 fatty acids. Make sure you buy the finely ground variety or the flaxseed oil for easier digestion.

9. Tea: Green, Black, or Yerba Mate

Green tea has many nutritional values. Detoxifying, full of antioxidants, it can actually help prevent cancer cells from dividing. Black tea is a good second choice, as well as yerba mate, a plant which is sold in tea bag variety. Yerba mate has been linked to rejuvenation, energy and healing. It is a wonderful substitute for coffee. Aim for 1-2 cups per day.

10. Supplements: Shark Cartilage, Cell Food, Advantage

In the holistic world, supplements are important. When attempting to fight any disease you want to boost the immune system, detoxify the body and supplement a healthy diet with other natural substances. In the holistic world, shark cartilage has been known to reduce any tumor on the body. Cell food and Advantage help boost immunity as well. If you think about detoxing the body – with food, with natural supplements, and with exercise – you can get a huge head start on living a healthy life. You can learn more about these supplements here.

While all of these foods seem basic and healthy, they can truly go a long way to increase your life span and your health. By eliminating processed foods, sugars, excess fats, butters, oils and fatty meats and replacing them with more produce, fresh grains and fish, you can vastly alter your health. Cut back on excess alcohol, and aim for movement each and every day. It doesn’t have to be in a gym. Take the stairs or walk. Just stay active. Above all else, remember to make gradual changes and take it a single day at a time!

Super Shake

Ingredients:

2.5 oz. silken tofu (1/3 cup)

6 baby carrots

1/2 cup fresh spinach

2 kiwis, peeled

3/4 cup fresh berries

1 tbs. wheat bran

1 tbs. wheat germ

1 tbs. ground flax

3/4 c calcium-fortified soy or hemp milk

2 tbs. walnuts

Place all ingredients into a blender and process well.

Rea Frey is an author, personal trainer and nutrition expert. She writes about living a balanced life at www.reafrey.com and also runs a food blog at www.chicagonow.com/cleanconvenientcuisine. She is the Cheeky Life Coach for Cheeky Chicago and has 2 weekly columns: one for vegans and one for brides looking to have beautiful but inexpensive weddings. Her book,The Cheat Sheet: A Clue-by-Clue Guide to Finding Out if He’s Unfaithful(Adams Media) will be released this summer.

Photo credit © Jonathan Ross | Dreamstime.com

You might not think you have a relationship with food, but you do. It is a relationship that is first born when we are, when we need nourishment from our mothers to survive. Our need for food follows us daily. Eating or drinking the wrong things over the course of our lives can lead to a host of illnesses and health concerns. When we are young, we have no say in what our bodies receive, but as we age, we have celebrations around food, we have issues with food, we have internal fights, we get giddy, we have romantic dinners, ... Read More »]]>

You might not think you have a relationship with food, but you do. It is a relationship that is first born when we are, when we need nourishment from our mothers to survive. Our need for food follows us daily. Eating or drinking the wrong things over the course of our lives can lead to a host of illnesses and health concerns. When we are young, we have no say in what our bodies receive, but as we age, we have celebrations around food, we have issues with food, we have internal fights, we get giddy, we have romantic dinners, traditions and routines that all revolve around our cuisine. I always joke that I literally have the mentality of a food addict, because when I am eating breakfast, I am thinking about what I will have for lunch. When I eat lunch, I am dreaming about dinner, and I actually get excited thinking about what I will prepare. Let’s just say it’s a good thing I love to work out as much as I love food!

Your relationship with food can be tedious and exhausting. Quite frankly, it is probably one of the most difficult relationships you will ever have. You need food every single day, numerous times, in order to stay healthy. How many choices revolve around food? How many thoughts are consumed by what you will eat next and that dreaded question: “What’s for dinner?” You will probably spend more money on food than on anything else in your lifetime (cumulatively). You will ingest and then eliminate these substances, rendering your choices and the process of purchasing, preparing or spending heaps of cash on restaurants, almost pointless. Sometimes, if I’ve made a particularly huge meal, I look at Alex and laugh. “What’s the point of all of this if it won’t even be in our bodies tomorrow?”

It seems we are doomed, in many ways. While some of us just like the taste of healthy food, nine times out of ten, you crave what you shouldn’t have. I find myself becoming rebellious about mid-week, after a few days of clean eating, when I happen to pass by the pastry and gelato section in Whole Foods, suddenly feeling like I am walking by patisseries in Paris. Loaves of bread, macaroons, all neatly stacked in their glass cases, ribbons of pistachio and chocolate gelato, massive slices of cake, dark chocolate brownies… they all taunt me. “Eat me,” they say. “Buy me. Love me. I am good for you. I promise.”

“Don’t do it,” I tell myself, even as I tread closer, picking up plastic cartons and looking for the least offensive culprit. Then, just to prove I can eat what I want, I place a slice of cake into my basket and move on. Even though it’s vegan cake, it’s still cake. But I relish every bite because it’s something I really want. Here’s a tip: When you’re craving something and it doesn’t pass, eat the real thing. Don’t buy a low-fat version, because more likely than not, you won’t be satisfied. Eat it and then move on. Don’t beat yourself up about it.

I stopped counting calories years and years ago, but sometimes I don’t think about what I’m feeding my body in terms of what it actually needs. What does your body need? Do you have high energy? Clear skin? Do you feel strong? Your diet can make or break you in terms of health. But, how do you feel satisfied with healthy foods? What if you just can’t find the balance?

After all, we have infinite choices and an overload of information about what we should be eating. So, which foods are okay to eat? Which foods should you avoid at all costs? Or should you just eat everything in moderation? But, with our crazy portion sizes, what does moderation even mean? Can you indulge just once per week? Can you really say no to that orgasmic piece of chocolate cake, or does saying “no” just lead to deprivation? What are you to do? Food can make you feel amazing; it can make you feel sick. Food can heal you, and as the obesity trend increases, it can even kill you. So, how do you “fix” this ultimately tricky relationship?

Here are my top 5 tips for getting your food relationship under control:

1. Analyze what you eat. For 3 days, write down everything you eat and drink. Note the times you eat, and when cravings strike. Are you eating enough? Are you eating too much? Note any hidden culprits, like cheese, salt, salad dressings or sugary drinks. See if there are any patterns and where there are areas for improvement.

2. Figure out what you love and hate about food. I hear people say, “I just forgot to eat.” I have never been one of those people. Even at my lowest points, I eat. Stressed? Eat. A death in the family? Eat. Divorce? Eat. It’s as ingrained in me as breathing. For those people who don’t eat enough, you have to train yourself to eat, but figure out what you actually like and don’t like. Once you figure out what you like, it’s easier to come up with healthier recipes to satisfy your cravings (this is what Alex and I do on our food blog). If you don’t like vegetables, start simply with sweet potatoes or corn, and then find a dish where you actually like asparagus or tomatoes. Just like no one is born loving red wine or coffee, you have to acclimate to the taste of healthy foods.

3. Figure out what you are willing to do in terms of getting healthier. Are you willing to cook? To go to the grocery store? If not, perhaps a healthy meal delivery plan is more your speed, or a grocery delivery service. Are you willing to chop vegetables on Sunday so you will have salads for the week? How much do you eat out? Are you willing to make healthier choices when you dine? Figure out what you’re willing to do and where you often fail. Many drawbacks are due to a simple lack of planning.

4. Realize that healthy eating is about a lifestyle change. There’s no such thing as a diet that is sustainable for life. The word diet doesn’t do anyone any favors. Make sure you aren’t guilty of grouping food into “good” food and “bad” food. This feeds the diet mentality. Rather, think about food as just another relationship. In your personal relationships, do you like someone who makes you feel terrible? Probably not. Feeding yourself healthy foods that make you feel good is much better than sitting through the drive-thru day after day. Just think about how you want to feel, if the food serves a purpose (such as plants, which go to work, ridding your body of toxins and repairing damage) and then find the right foods to deliver that feeling.

5. Change your “food” routine. We all have food routines whether we realize it or not. For some, it’s not eating breakfast. For others, it’s only eating twice per day (both culprits that will make you unable to lose weight). I realized the other day that I have been eating egg whites and oatmeal for ages. Now that I am a vegan, the eggs are gone, and i found myself ( at first) panicking. But, how would I get enough protein? And I have found, miraculously, that I feel better than ever eating natural, whole foods and I get plenty of protein from plants. I am varying my breakfasts now, which is important as our bodies need a variety of foods. Have you been eating a bagel everyday for ages? It might be time to try an English muffin or oatmeal. Try and aim for whole, organic foods and plenty of produce as much as possible. Use common sense. Do you really think food that has been processed and stuck into a box or a bag is doing us any favors? Stick to what you know is good for you: vegetables, fruits, healthy grains, nuts, seeds and lean proteins. Yes, figuring out what to eat can be exhausting, but it can also be the very thing that tacks on longevity to your life, makes you feel incredibly energetic and sets you on a path to a healthier lifestyle.

Do you have questions? Do you want your diet analyzed with a personalized eating plan? Email me at rbfrey7@gmail.com. I’m here to help!

Rea Frey is an author, personal trainer and nutrition expert. She writes about living a balanced life at www.reafrey.com and also runs a food blog at www.chicagonow.com/cleanconvenientcuisine. She is the Cheeky Life Coach for Cheeky Chicago and has 2 weekly columns: one for vegans and one for brides looking to have beautiful but inexpensive weddings. Her book, The Cheat Sheet: A Clue-by-Clue Guide to Finding Out if He’s Unfaithful (Adams Media) will be released this summer.

Photo credit © Lunamarina | Dreamstime.com

We strive so hard to do the right thing, get the right job, wear the right clothes, or meet the right person that it sometimes feels like we are living someone else’s life. We are in an era where if we choose one thing, we are afraid all other options might disappear. Get married, and you’ll never be intimate with anyone ever again. Have a baby, and lose out on your dreams. Take the corporate job with the big check, and lose a little bit of your soul. Get a killer body, but give up every single thing you love ... Read More »]]>

We strive so hard to do the right thing, get the right job, wear the right clothes, or meet the right person that it sometimes feels like we are living someone else’s life. We are in an era where if we choose one thing, we are afraid all other options might disappear. Get married, and you’ll never be intimate with anyone ever again. Have a baby, and lose out on your dreams. Take the corporate job with the big check, and lose a little bit of your soul. Get a killer body, but give up every single thing you love to eat. As I ponder these things (having fallen prey to them myself), I must ask: Who says?

Most of these questions are based on fear: fear of the unknown, fear of missing out, fear of making the wrong decision. Where is the unwritten rule that says by choosing one thing, all others disappear? Let’s take marriage for instance. There are endless jokes about marriage and billions of divorces to prove how “miserable” some people are. It is assumed if you get married, that you are on lock-down, that you will get bored, or that life will inevitably become stale and boring. Just because some people have experienced this does not mean that you will too. But there’s that fear… “If I get married, there’s a chance it won’t work out.” And the “what ifs” start piling up. It happens with money, with family, with everything. “I must have security!” you say. “Security!” Security means paper, which means money. And while money provides a sense of freedom, it’s not worth doing something you abhor. Life’s not about “doing what you have to do” to make ends meet. That’s simply what we’ve decided it’s about. And perhaps it’s time to change.

It seems we often look to outside sources for the way things will/are supposed to be before we even decide for ourselves what we want to do or be. Your mother, father, teachers, mentors or friends can’t tell you what you should be doing. Just because you’re 35 doesn’t mean you have to have a husband, a steady paycheck, a mortgage and 2.5 kids. That’s the beauty of this world – we can do whatever we want. We can start over, move away, re-ignite a passion and put happiness above what looks good. This can be somewhat of a singular path… and some people won’t quit a bad job, end a relationship or travel if they don’t have support behind them. Here’s some advice: support yourself.

Whatever it is that you do, make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. Examine and re-examine your life and what’s in it. Make changes. Take risks. It’s what life is all about.

Diet: In terms of the things you eat, you can’t set yourself up for a “diet” mentality. So many people ask: “What works?” What works is whatever works for you. The way food affects your body is a science. Just because I’ve found what works for me doesn’t mean it will work for you. But, there are some tried and true facts. Eat whole foods. Limit processed foods. Drink plenty of water. Exercise. It’s about making smarter choices more often and substituting crap with healthier foods. There’s no quick fix, no diet pill, no book or recipe that will work for you forever. It’s about finding out what you can live with while still living your life. Don’t take anything away. Just modify. Find a solution to your problem and make it part of your routine, just like brushing your teeth.

Exercise: If you are lucky enough to have a job that keeps you moving all day, then you are a step ahead. If these were different times and we actually had to get up to change the TV channel, or take stairs instead of the elevator and weren’t confined to our chairs, then we would be a lot healthier. If you added up all the hours of your life you have either been horizontal or confined to a chair, it would astonish you. You have to find activities that you love and the time when you love to do them. If you hate the gym, don’t go to the gym. Again, eating right and exercise should be about pleasure. Find something that you love and find ways to make it part of your daily routine.

Love: Perhaps the trickiest and most fluid occurrence in life is love. Love can start out fierce and fizzle, or creep up slowly and ignite, or end tragically, or cause bad decisions or an unbearable loss, or a happy ending/beginning. Love is mandatory. Without it, we would perish. When it comes to your own relationships, you have to decide what it is you really want, and realize that there is no perfect person. I’ve said it before, but you can’t and won’t get everything you need from one person, especially if you’re not self-satisfied in the first place. That being said, find someone who lets you be yourself, who makes you laugh, who you can simply be with. Don’t be concerned with what others think or constantly try to prove how great your mate is to the world. Be satisfied with what you have. If you’re not, then change it.

For the first time in my life, I am really happy with someone; it is a quiet happiness I have never known. I do not have to justify why we decided to get married, how I simply know this is the man I will grow old with, or how, after a few tumultuous relationships and many mistakes, I am completely and incredibly happy. It took a lot of self-evaluation, forgiveness and time alone before I could ever be open to wanting something real or lasting.

Start thinking about what it is you want and need in your life, and what you could do without. Each moment is precious. Don’t waste them. Got questions? I’m here!

Rea Frey is an author, personal trainer and nutrition expert. She writes about living a balanced life at www.reafrey.com and also runs a food blog at www.chicagonow.com/cleanconvenientcuisine. She is the Cheeky Life Coach for Cheeky Chicago and has 2 weekly columns: one for vegans and one for brides looking to have beautiful but inexpensive weddings. Her book, The Cheat Sheet: A Clue-by-Clue Guide to Finding Out if He’s Unfaithful (Adams Media) will be released this summer.

Photo credit © Richard Schramm | Dreamstime.com

Inflammation: A localized physical condition in which part of the body becomes reddened, swollen, hot and often painful, especially as a reaction to injury or infection.

We all know when something is inflamed. But, what about inflammation on the inside of our bodies? Internal inflammation can happen for a host of different reasons: high temperatures when cooking food, eating processed foods, sugar, trans fats, too much protein, etc. A high level of inflammation within the body can cause many health problems. An easy way to combat this? Eat more anti-inflammatory foods and eliminate the inflammatory ones.

But, what is an anti-inflammatory ... Read More »]]>

Inflammation: A localized physical condition in which part of the body becomes reddened, swollen, hot and often painful, especially as a reaction to injury or infection.

We all know when something is inflamed. But, what about inflammation on the inside of our bodies? Internal inflammation can happen for a host of different reasons: high temperatures when cooking food, eating processed foods, sugar, trans fats, too much protein, etc. A high level of inflammation within the body can cause many health problems. An easy way to combat this? Eat more anti-inflammatory foods and eliminate the inflammatory ones.

But, what is an anti-inflammatory food? More importantly, what is an inflammatory food? While you know healthy, whole foods from processed foods, none of us can see the true effect they have on our bodies (sometimes until it’s too late).

Often diseases such as diabetes, PCOS, excess weight gain, coronary heart disease and countless other illnesses can be contributed to the inflammation from various foods. Here is a list of some of the most anti-inflammatory foods.

Top 10 ANTI-INFLAMMATORY FOODS

1. Wild Alaskan Salmon: Salmon contains anti-inflammatory omega-3s (wild is better than farmed) and has been known to help numerous ailments. Try and incorporate oily fish into your diet twice weekly. If you don’t like fish, try hemp. Hemp is a complete protein, containing all 10 essential amino acids. Its amino acid profile helps boost the body’s immune system and quicken recovery. Look for hemp protein, milk or hemp seeds to add to your daily diet.

2. Kelp: High in fiber, this brown algae extract helps control liver and lung cancer, douses inflammation, and is anti-tumor and anti-oxidative. Kombu, wakame and arame are good sources a well.

3. Extra Virgin Olive Oil: The secret to longevity in Mediterranean culture, this oil provides a healthy dose of fats that fights inflammation, can help lower risks of asthma and arthritis, as well as protect the heart and blood vessels. Hemp, pumpkin and flaxseed oil are great options as well.

4. Cruciferous Vegetables: Broccoli, brussel sprouts, kale and cauliflower are all loaded with antioxidants. Naturally detoxifying, they can help rid the body of possible harmful compounds.

5. Blueberries: Blueberries not only reduce inflammation, but they can protect the brain from aging and prevent diseases, such as cancer and dementia. Aim for organic berries, as pesticides are hard to wash away due to their size.

6. Turmeric: This powerful Asian spice contains a natural anti-inflammatory compound, curcumin, which is often found in curry blends. It is said to have the same effect as over-the counter pain relievers (but without their side effects).

7. Ginger: Ginger contains a host of health benefits. Among them, it helps reduce inflammation and control blood sugar. Ginger tea is a great addition to any diet.

8. Garlic: Though a little more inconsistent (in terms of research), garlic can help reduce inflammation, regulate glucose and help your body fight infection.

9. Green Tea: Like produce, this tea contains anti-inflammatory flavonoids that may even help reduce the risks of certain cancers.

10. Sweet Potato: A great source of complex carbs, fiber, beta-carotene, manganese and vitamin B6 and C, these potatoes actually help heal inflammation in the body.

TOP 10 INFLAMMATORY FOODS

These foods have been linked to obesity, increased risks of numerous diseases and even death in some cases.

1. Sugar: Sugar is everywhere. Try and limit processed foods, desserts and snacks with excess sugar. Opt for fruit instead.

2. Common Cooking Oils: Safflower, soy, sunflower, corn, and cottonseed. These oils promote inflammation and are made with cheaper ingredients.

3. Trans Fats: Trans fats increase bad cholesterol, promote inflammation, obesity and resistance to insulin. They are in fried foods, fast foods, commercially baked goods, such as peanut butter, and items prepared with partially hydrogenated oil, margarine and vegetable oil.

4. Dairy: While kefir and some yogurts are acceptable, dairy is hard on the body. Milk is a common allergen that can trigger inflammation, stomach problems, skin rashes, hives and even breathing difficulties.

5. Feedlot-Raised Meat: Animals who are fed with grains like soy and corn contain high inflammation. These animals also gain excess fat and are injected with hormones and antibiotics. Always opt for organic, free-range meats who have been fed natural diets.

6. Red and Processed Meat: Red meat contains a molecule that humans don’t naturally produce called Neu5GC. Once you ingest this compound, your body develops antibodies which may trigger constant inflammatory responses. Reduce red meat consumption and replace with poultry, fish and learn cuts of red meat, once a week at most.

7. Alcohol: Regular consumption of alcohol causes irritation and inflammation to numerous organs, which can lead to cancer.

8. Refined Grains: “Refined” products have no fiber and have a high glycemic index. They are everywhere: white rice, white flour, white bread, pasta, pastries… Try and replace with minimally processed grains.

9. Artificial Food Additives: Aspartame and MSG are two common food additives that can trigger inflammation responses. Try and omit completely from the diet.

10. Fill in the Blank: Do you constantly have headaches or feel tired? Sometimes, you may develop an allergy to a food and not even know it. Coffee, certain vegetables, cheese… there might be a trigger you aren’t even aware of. Try and take a few foods out to see how you feel and slowly incorporate them back in to see if there might be a hidden culprit lurking in your diet!

Rea Frey is an author, personal trainer and nutrition expert. She writes about living a balanced life at www.reafrey.com and also runs a food blog at www.chicagonow.com/cleanconvenientcuisine. She is the Cheeky Life Coach for Cheeky Chicago and has 2 weekly columns: one for vegans and one for brides looking to have beautiful but inexpensive weddings. Her book, The Cheat Sheet: A Clue-by-Clue Guide to Finding Out if He’s Unfaithful (Adams Media) will be released this summer.

Photo credit © Steve Lovegrove | Dreamstime.com

Standing in a dimly lit room on a brilliant Thursday evening, I have never felt so calm. Heat radiated through my body as I waited outside the double doors, the first notes of “Hallelujah” rushing through the small room of the Sofitel. The doors opened, and I saw his smiling face, his glittering eyes, and I felt my knees tremble beneath the soft layers of tulle. Moving forward in my Pronovias dress, past the small crowd we had assembled, I stood across from my groom and fell even deeper, harder, more madly in love.

The days to ... Read More »]]>

Standing in a dimly lit room on a brilliant Thursday evening, I have never felt so calm. Heat radiated through my body as I waited outside the double doors, the first notes of “Hallelujah” rushing through the small room of the Sofitel. The doors opened, and I saw his smiling face, his glittering eyes, and I felt my knees tremble beneath the soft layers of tulle. Moving forward in my Pronovias dress, past the small crowd we had assembled, I stood across from my groom and fell even deeper, harder, more madly in love.

The days to follow were unreal. Rereading vows, hotel rooms, room service, intensity, dancing… all with the single man I adore more than anyone. And I know, without a doubt, that I will always feel this way for this man. Perhaps people scoff at that fairy tale notion, but I simply know. Just as I’ve known that I always wanted to be a writer, or that Chicago would be my home someday, I simply know that our love will be the backbone of our relationship. Sure, there will be ebbs and flows and challenges, but I welcome them. Because our foundation is solid, and for the first and only time, I feel with my whole being what it means to love and be in love.

Relationships can be cynical things. In the beginning, you are deep in the throes of passion, of “falling” for all of the traits you adore about the other person. A few months go by, and the idiosyncrasies sink in, but you ignore them for hopes of a future together. So, you get engaged or married and let time wear you down. You assume that all couples fight (true), that the newness must fade (false) and you become annoyed, short-tempered and longing for something you had in the beginning of your relationship that seems lost or buried.

Guess what? Your relationship can be fabulous, regardless of stress, exhaustion or time. It is up to the both of you to dictate the terms of your union. Just because you are tired, stressed, exhausted, bored, depressed, etc., does not mean you can’t appreciate and get lost in your husband or wife. It’s not simply about reminding yourself why you are with your partner – you have to feel it too.

I used to be the queen of talking myself into feeling something for someone else. “We’ve been together so long,” I would say. “I can’t imagine what it would be like to be on my own.” “He’s not an asshole all the time.” I justified staying in an unhealthy relationship and let myself become depressed, consumed and overly comfortable with my daily life and miserable in my love life. It wasn’t until I got a divorce (with many mistakes along the way) and broke free that I began to see the beauty in the world again. I was allowed to be myself again, flaws and all.

And now, just a few years later, I am married to a man who sets my soul on fire. And it feels like the first time; the first time I have ever become a wife, the first time I take someone’s name, the first time I truly share a life with my partner and equal. I finally feel the way I have always dreamed. Each day, there is more passion, more feeling and more appreciation than the day before. Each day, we find the newness in each other. Of course, time will alter us, it will bring us gifts and hardships, but as these rings signify – we are simply choosing to work everything out together. We are choosing to go through the journey hand in hand.

So, if and when you find yourself worn down by time or frustrated, do the following:

1. Remember back to a specific day or time when you felt irrevocably in love. What were you doing? What were the circumstances? Were you just dating? Free of obligations? Try and recreate a night or situation that reminds you of those intense feelings. Play a familiar song, make a familiar meal… revive your senses.

2. Don’t set unrealistic expectations. In the beginning, we imagine our lives will always be filled with health and happiness. But, happiness sometimes falters, and our plans don’t always work out as we imagined. For instance, if you get married and want a child, but that doesn’t happen, couples can become obsessed with what they can’t or don’t have, and in turn, lose their connection with each other. Make sure that nothing can break you in your relationship. Make sure you’re with each other because you really like each other – not because you want a partner to raise kids with. Be with someone you can talk to, listen to, someone who complements your lifestyle.

3. Be intimate. Always be intimate. This can be through holding hands, kissing softly, rubbing your partner’s back, etc. Have a physical connection with your partner, and make sure you stay affectionate. In an instant, it can change how you feel about a situation and bring a sense of lightness and ease to your day.

4. Be generous. It’s so nice to surprise your partner with a gift, a handwritten letter, dinner, a trip, etc. Be spontaneous and think about what would make your partner feel good. Sometimes we focus on us – what we’re not getting, what he or she isn’t doing, or bad habits. Instead, focus on how you can make your partner feel good, and show them tiny tokens of appreciation along the way.

5. Play. Play. Joke. Laugh. Get in a wrestling match. Be goofy. Just because you’re an adult, doesn’t mean you have to be serious all the time. A lot of times, we think just because we grow up, the fun is over. We have houses, kids, and money woes… but so what? We’re all kids at heart. Get on a swing. Skip. Chase your partner in a grocery store. Laugh. Tackle each other. Do something unexpected and fun.

Think about the small things you can do to make your relationship better, and remember to take it a day at a time.

Rea Frey is an author, personal trainer and nutrition expert. She writes about living a balanced life at www.reafrey.com and also runs a food blog at www.chicagonow.com/cleanconvenientcuisine. She is the Cheeky Life Coach for Cheeky Chicago and has 2 weekly columns: one for vegans and one for brides looking to have beautiful but inexpensive weddings. Her book, The Cheat Sheet: A Clue-by-Clue Guide to Finding Out if He’s Unfaithful (Adams Media) will be released this summer.