On a recent trip to San Francisco, while I stood gazing upon the Golden Gate bridge, a man calling himself Arnold spoke unto me.He told me that his people have become obese and defiled themselves with fast food, fad diets, and fraudulent quick fixes.
Then he told me to transcribe his words.
Here are the 10 Commandments that the Arnold bespoke unto me.
- Thou shalt attempteth not the losing of weight without exercise. Exercise daily, thou musteth.
- Thou shalt ingest not diet pills, diet cookies, or medications as a means of losing weight.For I, your Arnold, am a jealous Arnold, and will bestow upon thee "cut arms" "abs" and a "nice butt" to all those who heed mine utterances henceforth.Thus says the Arnold, eat heartily of lean protein, and fibrous carbohydrate. Do so in small portions, six-times daily.
- Thou shall not delay starting a fitness program for fear of "looking bad" before the eyes of people. I, your Arnold, am thine only judge and smite those who honor the opinions of man, not I. My child, you shall periodize your recovery with a "rest day", and shall keep this day as your own. Six days you shall exercise and do thine workouts, but on the seventh day thou shalt recover and eat "cheat meals".
- Thou shall do this to honor your body and the Arnold. On this day thou shall not workout: for in six days Arnold made the biceps with heavy barbells, the gym, and all the machines that are in them, then relaxed with cake and buttery substances on the seventh day. For his children, the Arnold gave them a recovery day and hallowed it, so shalt thee.
- Honor thine sleep and thine wellness, that your nights may be restful and your spine need not want of traction from the neighboring chiropractor.
- Thou shall not want of liposuction.
- Thou shall not moan of "bad genes" or "thyroid problems" or "lack or time" for they existeth not in reality, but in thine mind only.
- Thou shall not lift pink-dumbbells for fear of getting "too big". Thus saieth your Arnold, thou musteth lift heavy weight, or be scorned with the pestilence of being "skinny fat".
- Thou shall not pursue famine on thineself whilst there is abundance all around you. Thine anorexia-prophets; Lohan, Moss, and Winehouse have decreed that famishing thine self, for fear of increasing backside, profits thee not.
- Thou shall not covet thine figure or body of the magazine cover model.
Thus saieth the Arnold, unto thee, abide by the wisdom of these laws or forever languish in the fat valley of lethargy, angst, and pity.
Then the Arnold, with the everlasting might of the mountains, saidith finally to me, go out amongst those who walketh under golden arches and drive through windows!
All who abide in the wisdom and truthiness of these truths shall earn favor with the Arnold and fit into clothes that appearth sexy onto thine temple, the body.
The grace of the Arnold be with thee.
Then the Arnold, with the everlasting might of the mountains, saidith finally to me, go out amongst those who walketh under golden arches and drive through windows!
All who abide in the wisdom and truthiness of these truths shall earn favor with the Arnold and fit into clothes that appearth sexy onto thine temple, the body.
The grace of the Arnold be with thee.
Leave a comment