Recently in Self-awareness Category

One of my best friends in the entire world is also one of the most accomplished females I have ever met. She constantly meets, exceeds and astounds her expectations, and blazes a trail through her personal life and career. She is beyond exceptional, and yet last month she became a shrinking violet when a careless remark was tossed her way. Someone in her field of work, (who could be considered competition if one chooses to look at it that way) made an off the cuff statement to my pal that hit a nerve. It is my belief that this comment was illegitimate, and uncalled for. Weeks later this comment is still sitting with my friend in the back of her mind. With many career choices she makes, that comment lingers and in turn throws her off her game.

I recently talked to my lady and asked her point blank why this woman's careless sentence has caused such insecurities. She copped to the fact that she felt slightly imprisoned by it and did not know why a mere stranger could affect her like this. In almost all cases these comments are made in passing without any validity, yet we feel that they are instantly correct. They unmask hidden beliefs that we might have, doubts about ourselves, and make us question ideas and concepts we wouldn't otherwise. We tend to be our own worst critics, and any negative review is instantly a dig at who we are as a person- regardless of whether or not the remark(s) are warranted.

In a room full of one hundred people, if nine hundred and ninety-nine of those folk buttered us up with admiration and kindness, and the last straggler made a snide remark or gesture, we would harp on that alone. It doesn't matter that the majority sang your praise; the negative comment wins.  We could debate why, and harp on the effects of character assassination, but it would be an utter waste of time.

The irony is that the person responsible for making the comment is not the person responsible for accepting the comment. People can say whatever they please about us, but it is our choice on how to perceive it, and in turn, respond. In my 23 years sitting pretty in this world I have had a lot of people say things that have shocked me to the core. I have had people assume I embody character traits that I do not. I have had people judge me. I have heard people state things point blank that have made me question my virtues. It can hurt, but only if you allow it to effect you. At the end of the day the only person you have to report back to is yourself. Sure, nobody is perfect and we all have things we could work on, however the job of figuring that out belongs to you and you alone.

One of my favourite quotes is actually the title of a book called "What Other People Think of Me Is None of My Business" by Terry Cole-Whittaker. Because really, those who speak ill of us are just displaying their insecurities masked as bravado and that it would be ridiculous to look further into it. Someone else has no right to alter my own self perception. The kicker is that ultimately it is our choice on how we respond. We can take criticism negativity and let it spin us so out of control; or we can literally laugh it off and realize that they are so ill informed it borders on absurd. Instead of being angry, we can look at criticism a few ways. The pessimists will stew and continue the negativity with a cruel comeback. The enlightened ones will take criticism as a chance to 'review themselves' and if necessary, adjust a bit. The gurus would call this a gift and silently wish our naysayers well. Perhaps the next time somebody says something slanderous ask yourself this:  Where do you fit in, and how will you react?

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He references a conversation that the two of you had within the first few months of dating.  Something you said that showed him who you really were.  It was done in a joking manner, but it still was the truth.  So did that comment hold fast in his memory all these years, or did it resurface after being buried amongst the denial? 

I don't think that people necessarily change for other people.  I think there is give and take in any relationship. Change never really works out, does it?  Is there a reason why a woman suddenly shows an interest in baseball when she never cared before?  Or how about the man who tells her he likes to dress up and go out to dinner?  Seriously?  I have to assume that it has to do with acceptance.  Everyone has a need for that.  But at what price?

I honestly don't care for the cliches.  "We've grown apart", "We're on different planes", "We aren't the same people we used to be."  No, I've always been this person. I hid part of me under the pretense that I thought we were happy.  So maybe it's just easier to go along for the ride and kid yourself that you can eek out the real you in small increments.  Eventually you have gathered enough courage to really come to life, but are hit head on with the reality that it wasn't what the other person wanted to have happen.

So here you are.  Your character flaws exposed and now used against you.  All he said about you "changing" is really who you have always been.  You didn't change. You just never realized until now that, who you really are, was not what he had in mind.

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The individual challenge for all of us?

FIND WHAT WORKS... on a regular basis!

We each have areas that we tend to be more proficient in. There are different personality types so this makes sense. And since each of us can be very different in that way we can also be very different physically.

Here is the challenge and the key - finding what works for our individual body type and metabolism. Then make it interesting and fun enough to do it consistently.

We all know that we need to eat a well balanced diet and combine that with exercise and an active lifestyle.

Professional athletes take this to a whole new level, measuring aspects like VO2 max( how their bodies use oxygen & how fast they can recover), body fat percentage, blood glucose, resting and max heart rates. The list goes on and on. But their primary goal in all of that is to find the ultimate combination to maximize their potential, turning it into a tangible result.

There are a few things that can derail us from our action plan. These are typically injury and sickness. And there is always the business of life (big excuse) so we are going to throw this one away. There...gone for good, right? Now let's assume we stay relatively healthy, ignoring soreness, stiffness and fatigue.

Now let's assume we are organized, have a game plan AND we are going to be flexible when life throws it's inevitable curve balls at us. Done.

Here's where the hard work begins. We really have to make the effort to listen to what our bodies are telling us. They are truly incredible pieces of machinery and when we tune them up by eating right and exercising and getting enough rest they let us know that we have done a good thing either by our physical appearance or by how we feel. We have energy, we don't get sick or at least not as often. It's like looking after a high end sports car. You give it the very best of fuel and attention and it performs to it's optimum. You have the best opportunity to succeed!

Do not get discouraged because it can take awhile to figure out what exactly works best for each of us. And just to make it more interesting our bodies change as we get older, kind of like a classic car, and it may take a little more care to keep it performing. Here's where the automobile analogies end. We cannot trade it in for a new model !!!!

Bottom line- it's worth taking the time to figure out what works for each of us. We all know the common sense basics, it's in the fine tuning that we can really reap the rewards. If you try one thing and it's not working quite the way you want, change it! Experiment. Try again and keep doing this until you get results because it is worth it. Not to mention how you feel mentally, you just feel good about yourself when you exercise! Mental & Physical go hand in hand.

Read Taking Action Part One

Toot your own horn!  With grace.

Recently a friend of mine has worked really hard to get in shape.  She has been training for a marathon, working full time and is a single mother too.  I'm still trying to figure out where she's finding time to sleep!  I saw her recently and noticed that she has lost a lot of weight and looks really great.  So I said "you really look great, how much weight have you lost?"  Her reply was "60 pounds so far, but I still weigh .  .  .  "  I couldn't help feeling a little bit bad because she made a commitment to exercise and eat right and achieved something truly commendable and she still was unhappy with her weight.

I think that our society tends to make us insecure and shy when it comes to our own accomplishments.  For a time I thought that it was just women that felt that way, but when having lunch with a male friend recently he said that he has often felt this way too.  I'll admit readily that I fall victim to it just as much as anyone else.  I will do something that truly is an accomplishment and someone will thank me or recognize a job well done and I will say "oh thanks, but it really wasn't a big deal," or something to that effect.  Sometimes that is true, but sometimes it IS a big deal and I've had to move proverbial mountains to make things happen.  I've decided to make a conscious effort to acknowledge that with grace and dignity.

I'm not advocating running around and bragging or sounding arrogant, but rather just taking a minute to say "thanks for recognizing that, I really appreciate it."  You can be sure of yourself and happy with what you've done, and share that with others.  This goes for work, life and family.  We need to stop feeling insecure and really look at all the great things that we do every day.  They may not seem like big things at first, but when you put them all together through the course of the day, it can really be mind boggling, how much we do!

Instead of being bogged down by the fact that you have so much laundry, and you have to get dinner on the table in the midst of a really busy time at work (or whatever "IT" is for you) take a minute and congratulate yourself for having a clean, well-fed family.  When someone stops to say something nice to you, say thank you, mean it, and feel good about yourself the rest of the day!  Recently an elderly lady stopped me in the library parking lot to tell me that I was doing a great job with my children and I thanked her and with a big smile and a laugh said that it was a refreshing change from the disapproving looks I get during meltdowns at the grocery store.  I needed to hear that and you know what?  It made me feel great!

By the same token, it doesn't hurt to recognize the accomplishments of your friends and family.  When they say "oh, it was nothing," take a minute to say, "it really was something and you did it well."Enjoy the little things and reward the big things with a few kind words.  Trust me, you'll make someone's day (and it might be your own!). 

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virtue |ˈvər ch oō|
noun
1) behavior showing high moral standards : paragons of virtue. See note at goodness .
     • a quality considered morally good or desirable in a person : patience is a virtue.
    * a good or useful quality of a thing : Paul was extolling the virtues of the car | there's no virtue in suffering in silence.

I ask this question often of myself. I wonder what truly makes a person virtuous. Am I virtuous or self righteous? Do I stand up for what is right or am I simply judgmental of others? What are the qualities I am modeling for my children? My husband Paul wrote an article recently about mentoring and it has had me thinking ever since about what I truly bestow upon my kids. When I grow impatient and snap at them or when I do not stand my ground and hold them accountable, am I falling short of my duties as a parent? The questions could go on and on but I want to seek out where we stop as parents and destiny begins...

It all comes back to one thing for me as a parent, spouse, friend or neighbor; do I really care about those people I come in contact with? A quote attributed to Elsie de Wolfe states, "Be pretty if you can, be witty if you must, but be gracious if it kills you." I must first care and then I can love and then I can sacrifice, but I have to start by desiring the heart of a person. Over the years, it is the hearts of my children that I want above obedience or performance.  Therefore I am transitioning that desire into the other relationships in my life. My goal is to be gracious, to embody virtue, to be the best person I can be.

How about you, what is your personal heartfelt goal for your relationships?

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Give yourself permission...

I'm pent up. Pressure, pressure, pressure. I need to vent, cut loose. I'm always on my best behavior. I can't remember the last time I did something silly or fun, laugh out loud...Sound familiar? What does it mean to have fun? What does it mean to have a good time? "

The proper function of man is to live - not to exist." -- Jack London

Do you ever feel like the energizer bunny?

Too often we go through life on autopilot, going through the motions and having each day pass like the one before it. Going, going and going.

That's fine, and comfortable, until you have gone through another year without having done anything, without having really lived life.

That's fine, until you have reached old age and look back on life with regrets.

That's fine; until you see your kids go off to college and realize that you missed their childhoods.

It's not fine. If you want to truly live life, to really experience it, to enjoy it to the fullest, instead of barely scraping by and only living a life of existence, then you need to find ways to break free from the mold and drink from life.

What follows is just a list of ideas suggested by Leo Babauta, obvious ones mostly that you could have thought of yourself, but that I hope are useful reminders. .

Love
Perhaps the most important. Fall in love, if you aren't already. If you have, fall in love with your partner all over again. Abandon caution and let your heart be broken. Or love family members, friends, anyone -- it doesn't have to be romantic love. Love all of humanity, one person at a time. 

Get outside
Don't let yourself be shut indoors. Go out when it's raining. Walk on the beach. Hike through the woods. Swim in a freezing lake. Bask in the sun. Play sports, or walk barefoot through grass. Pay close attention to nature.

Savor food
Don't just eat your food, but really enjoy it. Feel the texture, the bursts of flavors. Savor every bite. If you limit your intake of sweets, it will make the small treats you give yourself (berries or dark chocolate are my favorites) even more enjoyable. And when you do have them, really, really savor them. Slowly.

Create a morning ritual.
Wake early and greet the day. Watch the sun rise. Out loud, tell yourself that you will not waste this day, which is a gift. You will be compassionate to your fellow human beings, and live every moment to its fullest. Stretch or meditate or exercise as part of your ritual. Enjoy some coffee.

Follow excitement
Try to find the things in life that excite you, and then go after them. Make life one exciting adventure.

Find your passion
Make your living by doing the thing you love to do. First, think about what you really love to do. There may be many things. Find out how you can make a living doing it. It may be difficult, but you only live once. .

Get out of your cubicle
Do you sit all day in front of computer, shuffling papers and taking phone calls and chatting on the Internet? Don't waste your days like this. Break free from the cubicle environment, and do your work on a laptop, in a coffee shop, or on a boat, or in a log cabin. This may require a change of jobs, or becoming a freelancer. It's worth it. .

Travel
Sure, you want to travel some day. When you have vacation time, or when you're older. Well, what are you waiting for? Find a way to take a trip, if not this month, then sometime soon. You may need to sell your car or stop your cable bill and stop eating out to do it, but make it happen. You are too young to not see the world. If need be, find a way to make a living by freelancing, then work while you travel. Only work an hour or two a day. Don't check email but once a week. Then use the rest of the time to see the world. 

Rediscover what's important
Take an hour and make a list of everything that's important to you. Add to it everything that you want to do in life. Now cut that list down to 4-5 things. Just the most important things in your life. This is your core list. This is what matters. Focus your life on these things. Make time for them.

Exercise
Get off the couch and go for a walk. Eventually try running. Or do some pushups and crunches. Or swim or bike or row. Or go for a hike. Whatever you do, get active, and you'll love it. And life will be more alive.

Be positive
Learn to recognize the negative thoughts you have. These are the self-doubts, the criticisms of others, the complaints, the reasons you can't do something. Then stop yourself when you have these thoughts, and replace them with positive thoughts. Solutions. You can do this! .

Kiss in the rain
Seize the moment and be romantic. Raining outside? Grab your lover and give her a passionate kiss. Driving home, Stop the car and pick some wildflowers. Send a love note. Dress sexy. 

Slow down
Life moves along at such a rapid pace these days. It's not healthy, and it's not conducive to living. Practice doing everything slowly -- everything, from eating to walking to driving to working to reading. Enjoy what you do.

Play with children
Children, more than anyone else, know how to live. They experience everything in the moment, fully. When they get hurt, they really cry. When they play, they really have fun. Learn from them, instead of thinking you know so much more than them. Play with them, and learn to be joyful like them.

Take mini-retirements
Don't leave the joy of retirement until you are too old to enjoy it. Do it now, while you're young. It makes working that much more worth it. Find ways to take a year off every few years. Save up; sell your home, your possessions, and travel. Live simply, but live, without having to work. Enjoy life, then go back to work and save up enough money to do it again in a couple of years.

Do nothing.
Despite the tip above that we should find excitement, there is value in doing nothing as well. Not doing nothing as in reading, or taking a nap, or watching TV, or meditating. Doing nothing as in sitting there, doing nothing. Just learning to be still, in silence, to hear our inner voice, to be in tune with life. Do this daily if possible.

Watch sunsets, daily
One of the most beautiful times of day. Make it a daily ritual to find a good spot to watch the sunset, perhaps having a light dinner while you do so. 

Break out from ruts
Do you do things the same way every day? Change it up. Try something new. Take a different route to work. Start your day out differently. Approach work from a new angle. Look at things from new perspectives.

Laugh till you cry
Laughing is one of the best ways to live. Tell jokes and laugh your head off. Watch an awesome comedy. Learn to laugh at anything. Roll on the ground laughing. You'll love it.

Make an awesome dessert
I like to make warm, soft chocolate cake. But even berries dipped in chocolate, or crepes with ice cream and fruit, or fresh apple pie, or homemade chocolate chip cookies or brownies, are great. This isn't an everyday thing, but an occasional treat thing. But it's wonderful.

Try something new, every week
 Ask yourself: "What new thing shall I try this week?" Then be sure to do it. You don't have to learn a new language in one week, but seek new experiences. Give it a try. You might decide you want to keep it in your life. 

Be in the moment
Instead of thinking about things you need to do, or things that have happened to you, or worrying or planning or regretting, think about what you are doing, right now. What is around you? What smells and sounds and sights and feelings are you experiencing? Learn to do this as much as possible through meditation, but also through bringing your focus back to the present as much as you can in everything you do.

There comes a point in your life when you realize
 
who matters,
 
who never did,
 
who won't anymore...
 
and who always will.
 
So, don't worry about people from your past,
 
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.
 
 
It's about love, it's about compassion, it's about kindness, and faith. It has nothing to do with luck. You get what you give so give good.  

Part of getting organized is realizing that there is never a perfect time for it and that there is power in just starting and doing. As you progress, you can prioritize your life in terms of what the most important activities are based on your individual goals.

This sounds a lot easier than it is with our daily routines of work and family duties. It is all too easy to go through the daily mundane tasks we all share and decide by days end that you have had a productive day. In fact I was just discussing this with my wife. Should we be striving to find a way to be able to outsource these tasks or should we embrace them for the purpose they serve?

What do I mean by this? Are we mentoring our kids to be responsible stewards of all that they get or will have in the future? We all should appreciate everything we are blessed with and take care to look after those things. This is just common sense, right? I do appreciate the fact that my children will know how to cook, look after their pets, sew, do their own laundry and mow the grass, just to name a few activities. These are essential life skills so that they will be able to function in life.

What about activities that really produce change that we want in our lives? Can we exchange some of the mundane responsibilities for more of the purpose filled activities that   

make life exciting and challenging? I am working on this. You see I am the personality type that finds it easy to get into a daily routine, focus on the task at hand and then repeat. This is a blessing and a curse. It can also make a person seem one dimensional really quickly. It also stops anyone from really knowing who we are and what matters to us.

I have the ability to see things through but also the stubborness to keep at it when it is not working. It is the definition of insanity 'where you do the same thing over and over and expect a different result'. Unfortuntely, my wife has seen me do this first hand and felt the failure in this along with me. "If only I work harder, longer, better.... I know things will change for the positive"... if only this were true.

Ever heard the phrase "work smarter, not harder"? This is essential if we do not want to get sucked in to the thought process that we just need to put in more time.

I am at the point where I want to maximize my time in all aspects of life.

Produce while you are at work, use every minute to it's max but know when to shift gears and focus on other aspects of what makes life so exciting! Do not define yourself by what you do but by who you truly are and what you want to become. That sounds pretty cool doesn't it?

How do we do this? How do we make extra hours in our day in a day that has a finite amount of time? I am willing to bet that we have all asked ourselves this at one time or another. The first step is to organize and prioritize your days. Include activities that are in line with your purpose, your goals. Include fun activities that are good for your soul. Pretty soon when you hit the pillow at night you have had a very satisfying day. One filled with our daily 'have to' activities but most importantly life fulfilling activities like donating time to the betterment of others, your family and keeping relationships alive and well.

Include activities that improve your health, physically and mentally and spiritually so that we get recharged and fired up!

If we do not have a plan full of small action steps this is overwhelming. I know this first hand. I am not a planner. I have to become one! My family and friends will attest to this. I can easily fool myself into believing I have had a productive day if I go to work, make some money and tuck my kids into bed at night. Don't get me wrong, I know that individually these things are a blessing in their own right. I just want more. I believe many people do too.

The first step is realizing that life is more than the mundane and being willing to give yourself a chance to benefit from all life has to offer. Embrace organization, get prioritized, begin activities that will allow you to truly become a mentor to others. Life if full of endless opportunities if we decide to open the door ourselves and not wait for someone to come knocking first!

Join me now in this adventure!!

It's something Lauren from Pennsylvania does every morning, Jimmy in Texas does before going to court, Linsey in Nebraska does on planes, and Robin in Louisiana does every night. Across the country a new habit has burrowed itself into our daily routines - double-checking. We double-check everything. The most common things seem to be making sure doors are locked and keys haven't dropped out of purses or pockets, but what's being checked depends on the person.

Lauren is devoted to checking her curling irons and making sure she unplugged them after leaving the house. She says, " I am ALWAYS double-checking my curling irons. I'm often convinced I'm going to leave them on. I try to stick to a set process where I unplug and put them away each morning, but if I'm in a hurry I will sometimes just leave them on my bathroom counter. My husband works close to our home, so I can name at least five to ten times where I've called to have him run home at lunch and check them!"

Jimmy is concerned with a certain aspect of his wardrobe. He comments," I'm a lawyer so I have to dress up when I go to court.  One day I forgot to double-check my shoes.  On one foot was a penny-loafer, on the other a burgundy slip-on.  To my astonishment, no one noticed."

Linsey's plane ritual ensures she doesn't leave anything behind.  "I double-check my belongings when boarding and exiting on an airplane EVERY time.  I'm always checking for my driver's license and boarding pass.  I don't want to get stranded.  I have never lost anything, but I think it's because I'm a "checker," she adds.

Robin is convinced she is going to sleep in too late. "I double-check my alarm clock! In fact, I have two, and I double-check them several times each night, even though I rarely even change their settings," she explains.

You can blame our compulsion on myriad reasons:  we're doing so much that we might have forgotten something, we aren't able to effectively multi-task, or we've just gotten more concerned with safety. But don't feel alone in your compulsion. Elizabeth R. Lombardo, Ph.D., M.S., P.T, psychologist and physical therapist says, "Double (and triple) checking is not uncommon and tends to enhance in frequency the more stressed out we are.  Given the skyrocketing levels of stress, more and more people are double-checking. Why do people do it?  Our thoughts are very powerful - on how we feel and what we do. Little thoughts such as but what if I didn't... or wait, was that yesterday can have a big impact on how we feel and what we do (e.g., check even though we know deep down we do not need to).  The rational can be seen in yeah, I know I turned off the coffeepot, but what if I didn't?"

Jennifer C. Franklin, Ph.D., MACP is a licensed clinical psychologist who elaborates on our hectic lives.  "When we are not fully aware of what is happening from one moment to the next, when we are on auto pilot, we can easily do things without realizing we've done them." She continues, "We record information as memories when we pay attention to certain things.  If we aren't paying attention to locking the door, to where we place our keys, etc., then we are less able to record a clear memory of what we did and therefore second-guess ourselves."

Judy in Connecticut has the same habit she follows before and after leaving her house. "I back out of my garage, turn onto the street and NEVER remember if I closed the garage door. I wind up either turning my car around at the end of the street to check, or backing up half way down the block to check again," she adds.

And Steven in Seattle is careful to prevent mistakes. "I lift the mailbox lid a second time to make sure my letters went down into the box. Don't know why I do it, because mailbox lids are designed so that nothing possibly can be left on them without sliding down inside when the lid is let go. Sometimes, double-checking can save money. I routinely add up my restaurant checks, and I'd say that 20% of all servers make some sort of addition error, resulting in overcharges," he points out.

As for me, I have to go double-check that my cat hasn't escaped from the condo and gotten into the hallway after my husband left for the office. She hasn't done that before, but you just never know. 

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No matter who you are, where you live, how rich you are or what your age is, life happens to all of us! However, we are all different and we need to find your own way.  
 
"One size fits all" as they say, does not apply here. There are so many preconceived notions about how life 'should' be lived.
 
How to begin: 
Transformation begins when we stretch our boundaries and ask basic questions: What's my role here? What do I really want? What are my passions? Where am I going?
 
What would your life be like if you were doing what you love, with the people you love, in places you love? It's called a passionate life and there is a simple, effective way to discover your passions so you can create that kind of life. Combine purpose, awareness and dedication to guide your future. Strategy is a necessity for victory in personal life and business. Focus on something greater than yourself and bring integrity into every aspect of life. Investigate your ideals, ethics, principles, then learn to cultivate the passion and the clear thinking which will lead you to your highest goals. Be clear about your methods.
 
"Be victorious. When we recognize our desire to matter, to make a difference, when we are in touch with the yearning in our hearts and souls to be a contribution to life, we want to be worthy of that charge. We become more aware of our talents, the possibilities that we have to make a difference in the lives around us whether in small daily actions or in large strokes. We feel a part of the world around us and want to do our part to make it a better place. We start to develop our gifts and remove the blocks to being the best person we can be".
 
If you feel you compromising, use these three steps to restore your integrity!
 
Step One: Create a Life Purpose statement that gives clarity about your beliefs, vision and desires. 
 
Step Two: Ask yourself: When your 95 years old, what will you want to say about your life?
 
Step Three: Identify where you are not being truthful in your life. 
Your mission is not where you currently are, but where you want to be. Be sure to write all of these things down in the present tense--claim it! 
 
How do you know whether you're on the right path, with the right person, or in the right job? The same you know when you're not: You feel it.
 
Each of us has a personal greatness- and because yours is as unique to you as your fingerprint, no one can tell you want it is.
 
Be mindful on purpose
 
Live Consciously, 
The past has NO power and the future has NO presence